Oct 8th

10 words that dont exist but should.

By Kenty

Also recieved this as an email - thought I would share

10 words that dont exist but should.

01. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

02. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

03. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

04. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

05. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

06. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

07. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

08. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

09. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Oct 8th

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50.

By Kenty
(another received email)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where  you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides  and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 

 

Oct 1st

The Mayonnaise Jar

By Kenty
(Received this in an email today - thought I would share)

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem,  almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class

And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured
them into the jar.   He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced  two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents  into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor,   as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favourite passions -
things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,'  He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the creaking door.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life  may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Jun 19th

politicians poem

By Kenty






Received this as an email - thought I would share it!

Received this as an email - thought I would share it!

 

 

 

I want a floating duck house
I want to clear my moat
I need to mend my tennis court
That’s why I need your vote.
 
I have to build a portico
My swimming pool needs mending
My lovely plants need horse manure
And the Aga needs much tending
 
A chandelier is vital
Mock Tudor boards are great
My hanging baskets won awards
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.
 
I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning
Maltesers help me stay awake
And my orchard must need pruning
 
I could have said the rules were wrong
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could
 
The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best
 
The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast
 
What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.
 
The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state
.
 

 

Jun 19th

You are my little princess

By Kenty

You are my little princess

 

You are my little princess

So good and so pure

You given me and your Mar 2 granddaughters to adore

How great it is to see little ones once again playing on the floor

 

You are my little princess

So good and so pure

Me and your Mar will do only the best for them

Of that you can be sure

 

You are my little princess

So good and so pure

But if that other granddad keeps putting his nose in

I’ll chuck him in some manure

Of that you can be sure.

May 17th

Amazing Story.

By Kenty

Had to share this with everyone – some photos to follow.

 

This dog was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2002. He was born with 3 legs - 2 healthy hind legs and 1 abnormal front leg which needed to be amputated. He of course could not walk when he was born. Even his mother did not want him.

His first owner also did not think that he could survive, therefore he was thinking of 'putting him to sleep'. By this time, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted to take care of him. She is determined to teach and train this dog to walk by himself. Therefore she named him 'Faith'.

 

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfing board to let him feel the movements. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward for him to stand up and jump around. Even the other dog at home also helped to encourage him to walk. Amazingly, only after 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on his 2 hind legs and jumped to move forward. After further training in the snow, he now can walk like a human being.

 

Faith loves to walk around now. No matter where he goes, he just attracts all the people around him. He is now becoming famous on the international scene. He has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows. There is even one book entitled 'With a little faith' being published about him. He was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.

 

His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take him around the world to preach that even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul'.

 

In life there are always undesirable things. Perhaps one will feel better if one changes the point of view from another direction.

May 14th

Man Rules.

By Kenty

  FINALLY, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear
 

“The rules" 
From 
the female side.  

 

 

 

  Now here are the rules from the male 
side.   

 

 


These 
are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" 
ON PURPOSE!
  

 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
 only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted 
two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
 


1. 
You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just 
do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you 
have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus 
didNOT
 need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A
 
color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We 
have
 no 
idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will
 
be scratched. We do that.

1. 
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not 
worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want 
an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really
 . 


1. Don't ask us what we're 
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
 golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But 
did you know men really don't mind that? It's like 
camping. 

 

May 14th

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

By Kenty

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People—

 

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.  

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

May 13th

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.

By Kenty
( I don't know if this is true - received it as an email - funny if it's true or not)

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
May 12th

Advice Against the flu!

By Kenty

Remember this Advice Against the flu!

 

  To avoid it...eat right

 

To avoid it...eat right.  Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, Go for a swim, Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc. Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest.

 

OR Take Kenty’s approach

 
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.


So... I walk to the pub. (Exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(Fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (Rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, Flu germs can’t get you!

As my grandmother always said,  'A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the arse!' Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much